I dreamt about something I shouldn’t have last night. Not because it’s something bad, in fact, it would be great if it happened. No, it’s bad because it might probably won’t. 

The thing is, these dreams aren’t even sexual, not in the least. I’d like to say they’re as innocent as can be, but that’s not true either. If it was innocent, it probably wouldn’t hurt as much as it does right now thinking about it. The dreams are terribly romantic too. Watching the city from a park on a hill. Walking through a park, just enjoying each other. Coincidentally falling asleep next to one another on the couch. Hell, I don’t know if we even hold hands, the fact is that it’s just us, it’s just peaceful, and I’m just happy.

I wish I could just not think about her. I don’t know why I can’t. Is it because I really have feelings this strong, I hope not, for my sake. I just don’t have anyone else, though I do really like her. I take the time to actually think about what I’m going to say without just blurting it out like I usually do. I make sure to pay attention to the little things she says, just because I want to know them. I know I need to wait, and that she probably doesn’t have feelings like that for me anyway, and it’s something I’m fighting with. Hell, I don’t even know what I’m doing. She already told me she’s not interested in me like that, but of course I just ignore that, not because I don’t believe her, but I just want to be hopeful. 

I really don’t want to fuck this one up.

It scares me how nervous I am about this weekend. The only thing I hear is to be chill about it, and even though I’m usually as chill as can be, I can’t not be nervous. I don’t want to make a fool of myself. Yeah, that’s kind of my thing - to make a fool of myself - but who wants to be with someone who’s always embarrassing himself. I can’t be myself anymore, not that self. I need to grow up. 

1 year ago  /  Notes

Note to self: dukes show, lots of people, loneliness.

1 year ago  /  Notes

I need to get out of my house. I shouldn’t be this depressed right now.

1 year ago  /  Notes

I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore.

1 year ago  /  0 notes

Another morning

Had a dream last night. I guess I was at school or something. Idk. I was with some girl, and we were really happy for some reason, like happy to be with each other. I guess that’s what I long for. It’s not the 1st time a dream like this happens. Hell, its basically the only thing I ever dream about. No one really understands how much I seriously hate being alone

1 year ago  /  Notes

I need to become passionate about something. I don’t really care what it is, but I need a hobby. The only thing I really cared about was trying to end this cycle of being alone, but I’ve come to learn that I’m pretty bad at it. I need to stop trying so hard and let someone come to me for a change. Who knows is that will happen, as it never has before, but I’ll try to give it a shot. Hopefully this new medicine will help me focus on school a lot more and will help me get out of this place. I’m done with dealing with people’s lies and apathy. I want to be an intellectual. I want to feel like I’m on the same plane as my contemporaries, not on a lower plane. I want enlightenment, I want nirvana. 

…

I want to write a paragraph with one fucking subject. :/

1 year ago  /  Notes

1 year ago  /  0 notes